9.12 Project Paranoia: Obama Wants to See You… Naked!

Unsurprisingly, Glenn Beck’s 9.12 Project has absorbed much of its founder’s famous paranoia. Based on Beck’s fevered lectures and paid endorsements, legions of 9.12’ers have eagerly bought up overpriced gold coins, non-hybrid seeds, and lots of ammo for use in 9.12 Project practice shoots. But not even the most skeptical and bemused observer of 9.12 culture could have seen the latest trend which may see 9.12’ers stocking up on an unlikely survival tool in preparation for the coming Obamapocalypse: very thick underwear.

On his Sept. 27 show, Beck found time in between exercises in connect-the-dots conspiracizing to discuss something called the Z Backscatter Van (ZBV), a mobile X-ray scanning device produced by the Massachusetts firm American Science & Engineering. After reading about the product in Forbes, Beck was confident that the Obama Administration had ordered intelligence and law enforcement agencies to purchase this technology — which can determine from a distance the general contents of parked cars and duffle bags — with nefarious ends in mind.

“They’re using them now in your neighborhoods,” warned Beck. “And the Obama administration won’t say exactly why we’re buying their vans and driving them down our streets.”

Luckily for Beck, he has an army of constitutional watchdogs scattered throughout the country in the form hundreds of 9.12 Project chapters. The clearinghouse for its intelligence efforts is the 9.12 Project Network. It was here that 9.12’er Jared Law offered the real reason the government is interested in the ZBV: To better understand what conservative activists look like in the buff.

“Any progressive in government, whether it's your local city mayor, all the way up to an Obama regime bureaucrat, can now see you and your family, totally nude (through your clothes),” writes Law. “They have sold enough of these now that every single 9.12'er, Tea Partier, and conservative leader in America could potentially have dozens of photos of themselves and their families in the nude on Obama Regime hard drives… Yet another reason to throw out the 'progressives,' and to Turn To God!!”

Because if there’s one thing God hates more than totalitarian progressive peeping Toms, surely it’s nudity.